star crossed lovers.

my heart goes out for you guys out there

wherever you are.

-

-

-

i'm sorry i ever said those things bout you,

misjudged you.

i'm sorry.

loves,

manda.

Unfamiliarity fills my soul
As I walk through these halls alone
The same halls I walked with you just yesterday
Yet, it seems different somehow
Unfamiliar
As though I have not walked through here a thousand times
As if it was the first time
But I did, I did.
Yet, it seems empty
Without the laughter, the chatter
Without love; without you.

Guilt arisen
I shouldn’t have said what I said
I shouldn’t have told what I told
It was a secret
And I was meant to be a secret between us
Yet you betrayed me
My heart and my soul
How could you do this to me
I can’t believe this is me
All these spurred
Just because of this person
Her.
Her and her kiss of death.
Oh how I wish I could turn back time.
Don’t we all.

i just love today. just becaused it rained. i just love rainy days. ((:

well, my results turned out to be like shit, just as expected. but, i know i can do better, cause i didn't do my best this exam. i know i didn't. maybe regretting a little, but, yeah. i'll pull up my socks. i know i will. ((:

boring day today. except for maybe artsfest, which was okay i guess. kinda had fun with the sticky mess of chocolate. haha.

i love chocolate. ((:

i hate periods.

breakouts, cramps,moodswings, temperamental. all the common symtoms.

sometimes, it just sucks to be a girl.

manda.

Went to jac’s party at east coast park. Kinda fun; enjoyed myself. It started out with the crappy stuff me and caleen did, and hey, don’t think too much. hmms, and, i learnt quite a few things too. see, you do learn something new everyday! haha. ok, i'm crapping now. And thanks for that long, long walk. Hmms, I wonder how roanny’s doing and such he was too excited that someone actually wanted to hear him sing, so, in the midst of his performance, he hit his head against the lamp post, so yeah, it was hilarious. and to you guys who had to chug the awful concoction of drinks, i pity you and your stomachs and you bladders follow suit. i'm just glad that it's you and not me. haha.

And, I was nice and friendly right? I know I was. i put in extra effort. Haha.

I got to know some stuff from my dearest buddy, and, I TOTALLY CAN’T BELIEVE. It’s impossible for that to happen. Really!! it's just unbelievable. Though it’s making more and more sense with each passing moment, but, yeah. i guess, i thought about the possibly of that happening, but, now, it being reality, to that extent, it sucked the air out of my lungs when i heard that. and, There’s new found proof too. So yeah. I guess, nothing’s impossible. The little details that I actually pay attention too, that I didn’t know that I actually did in the first place. Is this making any sense at all? Haha. Okay.

Ditched ben yesterday. I’m so sorry. After you told me you had to go back to camp, I made other plans. We shall just go out another time alrights? I shall be extra nice and give you whatever you want for your birthday. ((:

It has been a lazy Sunday for me. After church I lazed around the whole day, besides the time I baked with my mom. But, being a horrendous recipe, the results weren’t that good, I have to admit. And, I’m not trying to blame the recipe. But, the cake still tasted full of smooth, melted chocolately delight. Served with ice cream, it was killer. But, the cake was just to flakey and sweet. I think I will get diabetes soon. Haha.

Family is a thing that I can’t handle right now. It’s just too much. But, I do wonder, what if I have no family at all? What will become of me then. I guess, we just don’t appreciate what we have at hand. We play it off. We want what we can’t have. That’s so true.

loves,

manda.

well, well. exams are over, and the results come in. i didn't do that great. well, it was expected. you reap what you sow, and well, let's just say i didn't sow that much. so yeah, from now on, i'm going to study like every single day. at least an hour and a half a day. i know i can do it, and i will. chinese o's are just around the conner, yet, i'm not nervous at all. i just passed for chinese. great. i'm scared now. i think. things can't be just fun and games anymore, it's time to get down to the grim and dirty.

Feelings rush back for that specific person out of the blue. I have no idea why. We were talking about him, caleen and i. just then, they flooded back into my memory. Maybe I was never over him. Maybe. But it’s impossible, between me and him. It is utterly impossible, unless for some miracle. This may not be the most unexpected, considering. And he’s not ugly, so yeah. It’s past due time.

I’m numb, and empty. I don’t know why I’m feeling these feelings once again. Why is that so. Sigh. I hope it somehow goes away. The feeling of paranoia and fear. I stink of it. I hate it.

getovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetover.

caught poseidon with the girls on thursday. it was surprisingly good. i enjoyed myself, besides for that particular incident. i was so pissed, tho i acted as if nothing happened. so yeah. lying is easy. ((:

tomorrow's jac's party and i have to celebrate ben's birthday. well, happy birthday to you guys yeah. i love you guys.

i think.

loves,

manda.

The remembrance of who I am.

No more chains
That you gave me

Enough of pain
Now I’m craving
For something sweet, so delight.

Silly patterns that we follow
You pull me in
I’m being swallowed.
By the ones you think you love
They pull you down
You can’t see up above.

the worse mothers' day ever.

crowded, stinky, parents breathing down your neck, trying to study, and, that fake plastic smile has to be plastered on your face, cause, you don't want anyone to worry bout you. yeah.

Dad’s going to start late-night riding again. He just collected his bike from his friend’s place. He will be riding with his friends in the dead of night. Little over a month since his accident where he suffered a fracture in his left arm, and, dumb as he could be, he was trying to “save” his ducati. Well, whatever, yes? I will see him much lesser now, since he won’t be home that much. Yay me. Right?

Well, I know why I don’t tell me parents anything, cause the trust is not there anymore. Well, my mother does not believe me, thus is on my case 24/7. I had the worse mothers’ day celebration ever today. My sarcastic mother was tormenting me to the extent that I started crying, at my aunt’s house no less, in a cold, smoky (thanks to my mother, who has been deemed -by me, as a full-on smoker now) peach-colored bathroom. I never been so hurt in my entire life, I think. But, ya know, I can live through this. I know I can. I will. Yes?

I have been thinking. Together, my parents, they smoke bout 2.5 packs of cigarettes a week. Counting, about 13 bucks a pop, one week, they spend bout $32.50 a week. In a month, that’s about $130, and in a year, that’s $1560. I guess, that’s a lot of money. Imagine, if they stopped smoking, with all that extra cash, what other better ways could they spend that money on. [e.g. me! ((:] so, yeah. I wish they could just quit. Yeah, we all can be wishful thinkers.

loves,

manda.

spent quality time with my sister today. i love her, i do. tho she can be extremely clingy and irritating at times and we're often at each other's throats. hmms, bout which sister ain't at times. i admit, ours are more than often, but, yeah. i love her, i do.

anyways, met jaclyn at siglap. I MISS YOU. haha. forgot that tammi is in aussie. what course is she doing again? haha. i tell you, all the guys will be at her feet! haha. too bad that you couldn't go too. you really wanted to go. but, that stupid university sent you you're acceptance letter too late, you couldn't just leave everything behind right? yep.

i have been neglecting Him. it feels so wrong. i know i shouldn't, yet i am. what's wrong with me. i can't be that heartless right? after all the wonderful things that He has done for me. yeah, i do feel heartless. i shall not, ever, do that again. i promise.

loves,

manda.

sorry i couldn't be there. enjoy your party baby. have one for me. cheers! ((:

heyhey ya'll. i really think i have no life at all! i just spent 4 hours in amath tuition, and, my tuition force fed me with sandwiches and vitamins. saying that, it will boost your energy level up. wth. now, i feel drowsy and tired. i think i'm going to have a nap after this post. ((:

i'm wondering, would you rather be in a rich family, and have all the woes of it. a father who cheats, acts on rage, gambles, whacks you and your siblings at times, drinks, loves racing; a mother who is a gambling addict, a brother who somewhat behaves like your father, having no one to care for you at all at home. or. live in the poor house, but with a wonderful loving family? i mean, it's not that living poor does not have its trouble, but yeah. you have a close knit family to depend on. so which would you choose? is the world fair in this way that you can't have the best of both worlds? i don't know which one i would choose. but, i'm going through hell as it is. so yeah. i know i want a close knit, loving, understanding family, but i don't wanna live in poverty. maybe i would rather have the riches, and find comfort some other place. i'll never know.

i still have biology, add maths and emaths paper to go. as well as that stupid NEquiz that i have to go back to school on the marking day to take. what marking day then?? idiotic.

anyways, gonna grab a bite, i'm feeling the munchies. ((:

loves,

manda.

people saying things that they don't mean. just saying it out of fluff. hmms, yeah, whatever. i can't be bothered with this kinda people anymore ya know. so much has been on my mind lately. so much, that i'm thanking for my forgetfulness. i have been so busy that days seem to zoom by without me knowing it. i feel like i'm walking through, without knowing anything, just walking through a daze. i have no idea what to think, what to feel. i don't feel anymore. inside's empty. empty. in a midst of so many people, why do i feel alone. like i have to face everything by myself? i guess, i'm just thankful of now, of my forgetfulness, cause, with all these stuff overwhelming me, and, me being so forgetful, so busy with so many other things, i tend to forget, i mean seriously forget, till you have no idea why are you feeling like that, or when a friend asks you what's wrong, but, you have no response. they might think that you just don't wanna tell them anything, but, i tell you. maybe, sometimes, i just don't wanna say. maybe at times, i just don't know what to say. or just forget about it, purposely, as the pain goes away faster then. but, sometimes, i do forget comepletely, i really do. so, sometimes, if i don't answer, or if i seem like i'm lying, you know what's going on.

ya know, just for the people i love and care about, i pretend that nothings going on, and i just tolerate them, even tho, i have so much to say in response, so much, so much, i keep all inside. everything's like going on in my head. i know i can, but, i keep it all inside, just so that the ones that i deeply care about, would not get hurt instead.

just to say. he is very irritating. i think the rage part and stuff is kicking in right now. cause, more and more i can't stand the sight of him. i feel grossed out when i see him, people mention him, or when i just "hang out" with him/them, even tho, at times i just don't want to. ya know. so, that's not good, is it? i don't know. i'm just feeling this way i guess.

i had the worse nightmare that day. the kind that you can't seem to wake up from. it sucked. cause, because of that, i only had 3 hours of sleep, with an exam the next day. i was cranky. anyone would be too. so if i stepped on anyone's toes that fateful day, sorry.

ok this is so random.

anyways, out of the fluff that i'm feeling,

i miss you guys. ((:

us.

hangin at ritz. jkt 190306 remember forever.

even though we were stinky and stuff, we still love each other to bits. stinky-ness or not. haha

through all the tears and laughters. what does not kill us makes us stronger. ((:

randoms.

thanks for the moon. the over 20++ pictures you had to take, before getting the perfect one. ((:

i love the view too. ((:

caleen and i. ((:

thanks so much too, yeah?

me and jac.

the sister and i. tho the fights and misunderstandings, i still love you. even tho, at times i don't show it, i do.((:

muhd and i. crappyness and all.

later ya'll.

love,

manda.

supposed to place all of these in my last post, but, yeah. i've been so muddleheaded these few days.

mtvasia awards 2006

leehom and kelly rowland. don't they just look gorgeous? ((:

LEEHOM IS just SO HOT!! ((:

doesn't jolin look just awful? best style?? hello? balloon bloomers?? and, doesn't she look like a horse in the first picture? gosh!

OMG. eww-ness.
DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM

BRITNEY IS LIKE HAVING ANOTHER SPAWN OF KFED.
wth.
i'm so disgusted.

and, he is like just using her to get her money.

anyways, who wants to have a baby with kfed? gross. what does he have to offer that she doesnt already have? i mean, it's like this is pushing her self value down. i mean, i like her, but, ya know, all thoughts of her going to come back after this, is vanished.

laters.

this blog has been so dead. busy with last minute studying. haha.

hmms, yeah. yesterday was kinda fun. had some with jac, muhd, martin, winda and roanny. we found a new SPOT!! haha. ((: tho, it kinda got a little boring later in the day. haha.

hmms, met up with xuan, went to settle her cravings for sakae. we shall do that thing when we meet up again.. we shall beat those other girls yeah? haha. hey baby, there's no fret kay? everyone can be a bitch a times ya know. you shouldn't treat her like that tho.. it's just wrong, yeah? cheers.

first time in a long time i've been on a bike. well, it was EXHILARATING. especially if someone you love is at the front. ((:

tho all the troubles, i still love you. ((:

it makes me wanna learn how to ride. i want a vespa. ((:

loves,

manda.

everything's fine now, i guess. or i hope it would be. i'm scared shitless for my exams, yet, i 'm still not doing anything about it. was trying to study today. clocked in 2 and a half hours doing math. not a bad start, not bad at all. ((:

hmm, caught part of the mtvasia awards last night. korn's opening performance rocked, as well as hoobastank's performance and daniel powter's and simon webbe's as well. but, leeryan and tatayoung's rendition of endless love sucked. it was super pitchy! and, well, i do have to say that the audience were lifeless. and, jolin tsai won best style? WHAT??? are you kidding me? it's like she was wearing balloon bloomers when she was performing?! and i think she was lip singing as she was doing this dance routine when she was singing, even tho she seemed out of breath, the way she was singing had no difference at all! so yeah. and, another observation. when they were giving out the favorite singapore artist, when stephanie's name was called out, everyone was screeming and clapping, but when it came to taufic, who won btw, and when he was walking up to collect the award, nobody was cheering at all. it's like so wth. haha. but the award was super cool. very unusual. most original award presenter is definitely korn's frontman. the others were all.. " SAAWAAHHDDIIKKAAAHH!!" lack of originality or what. so, it was pretty boring. and the people at the mosh pits, who are supposed to be extremely wild and stuff, weren't doing anything wild at all. oh yeah.

WANGLEEHOM is HOT.

i didn't know he was that hot. xuan says that edison chen is much hotter. i guess that they are both hot, but, i do prefer leehom anyways, he looks better and a little meatier than edison. so yeah. hotness man. ((:

ok, i think i sound really shallow right now so yeah.

i shall just end off now.

manda.

so close i believe
you're holding me now
in your hands i belong
you'll never let me go.

well, i woke up today looking terrible and with a throbbing head. i guess it was kinda expected. hmms, i'm supposed to study. what will power i have. haha. hmms this caught my eye when i was reading the latest issue of singapore OK! magazine..

STARS & THEIR MUMS.
with mother's day just around the corner, OK! shares what celebrities think of their mums...
FLIP to where Angelina Jolie gave her account..
"my mother gave up her acting career to raise me and my brother, james haven, after my father left us when i was six months old.." she continues about her mother.. then "my mum is proud of me and..."

wait for it...

"she's taught me a lot about what it means to be a good person"
well, well. i don't think any mother would actually teach her daughter to sleep with a married guy, let alone steal the married guy from his wife? right? so, yeah. so much for being a good person.

hmms, madonna posed for w magazine in a 58-page editorial this month. she looked absolutely hot, for a forty-seven year old, anyways. this picture of her really scared the hell out of me.. she has such a muscular back! i didn't even know that your back has that much muscles!! anyways, though she's a little whacky and stuff, whatever it is, i still love her. ((:

manda.

i just fought with my brother. crying my eyes out. i hate confronting people. it sucks. the moment i start answering back. tears come gushing out. wth man. then. i read my other blog. and, guess what.. after reading xuan's post and freda's tags, i started laughing like a mad idiot, i can see your amused faces. for, those of you who can imagine anyways. you girls always crack me up. well, i miss you guys like crazy. xuan, i'm scared that we can't have our study date tomorrow.. cause tmr is like election day, and it's a public holiday. and, my parents will be home. and i know i'm gonna get screwed by them later. again. well, this is getting boring. i think im just going to fail my midterms. i think i screwed chinese. i had not enough time at all. and, i think i'm losing my life. i spent bloody four hours at math tuition today. i officially have no life. then, guess what. when me and brother came home, almost simultaneously. the first thing we did was argue. this was another big one man. i'm just happy i didn't end up getting whacked by him. i have my sister to thank for that. he wouldn't hit me in front of anyone. bloody arse. i hate him. i seriously do. and, i don't hate people at all. he is just one unreasonable little arse, with tonnes of pent up anger. i want to give in to him, but, i have been doing that for the whole year. you know, there's just so much one person can take.

i think the whole world is out to get me.

manda;

lifeless and cold.

hmms. well, i think i'm officially gonna screw up my exams. in my compo, i wrote what about a bitch. and, i actually used the word whore in the compo. not, a good thing at all.

hmms. after that went to mosburger with jac and cal. when things got personal. haha. great talk yeah. ((: afterwards, went to the beach, with the rest of the guys. had fun, i guess. the walk back from the beach with caleen and roanny was really fun. hmms. get that image out of your head kay?? really!! i didn't know what i was thinking, yeah?? haha. realy. just forget it!! ((:

and martin, im not angry at you. you can just be a little, irritating at times.. and, i'm not in that a fantastic mood today. so, yeah.

loves,

manda;

pamela lee anderson. ((:

the lee: where all things were natural. HAHA.

well, i've FINALLY, emphasis on the finally come to a realisation. well, it hit me when i least expected it. hmms. anyhow, i shall not disclose any details. but, yeah. i guess i was/am terrified of a few stuff. and, i wised up. ((: and, im glad of it. i'm gonna deal with this, knowing one thing that i've been doing wrong for so many years. from now on, i shall, and i will, do things for me, the reason, solely for me. not anyone else. i shall be selfish, and think for myself. get mine, while you get yours. i mean. the past few years, i've been doing things that, maybe i don't like to, or am being forced to, or doing stuff with one goal in my mind, which is them, and not me. so, form now on, it's gonna be all for me, and all about me. in the past; i had to be strong. at least i thought that i had to be. like 24/7. ya know. just to put a brave front. maybe another reason was that, i didn't want people to see through me, or my vulnerability. and, maybe, i just didn't want to admit it... yeah. maybe that's it. but, now, i shouldn't. i should have never had. it's just not real. and, it's bad. i don't like fake stuff, yet, i was acting throughout my entire life. it's bad, cause then, i'm being such a hypocrite. and, i didn't even know it? so yeah. it sucks. what was i thinking? man, i seriously do feel that i was such a dumbass then. gosh.

anyways, chem pract today sucked. so careless man. irritated. plus, i screwed up titration? idiot man. i put like the wrong solution in the pipette? and, i didn't pay attention to the results. gosh.

RARHH!!

im so irritated with myself. ok, i feel dumb.

however, after chem pract. caleen jac and i did the craziest thing ever. haha. but, it was kinda cool right? haha. it was fun too. haha. even tho it was quite lame. it was still fun. and, we really did enjoy ourselves didn't we? haha. i miss those times. ((:

anyways, on a side note, thank you freda, for spending your time, knocking sense into my head. i love you so much. and i miss you so!

manda misses and loves freda.

come back soon yeah? ((:

loveyou,

manda.

martin. you HAVE to tell me who's that. ok. and you owe me chocolates too! ((:

hmms, i went home after reccess today. well, i didn't feel quite right, and, a plus is that i don't have to listen to mr jaafar talk today during the dialogue session. haha. and, it's all thanks to jac and cal. who are really too over the board sometimes... ((: and, of course, my wonderful skills...

lying is so easy. ((:

i picked the most wonderful time to fall ill. i know. must be the exam-fever, as mr ken puts it. i don't even think that that is the correct way to say it, but, yeah who cares. haha.

ok, this is just such a random post full of jargon to past time. i should just end here. anyways, i'm feeling sleepy. haha.

lovingyoualways,

manda.

[this is so fluff]

- - i feel loved, i do. ((:

well, I HATE THOSE IDIOTS who are making stupid inferences of my life; without actually knowing anything? i mean it's like for starters, i don't even like people who are like that busybody, so yeah. you can imagine how pissed i am right now.

RARHHHHH!!

anyways. i'm off to eat the pizza that my sister made for me.

so, if i just die or have a serious case of food poisoning, you guys will know the reason why. ((:

manda.

Went to siglap centre to have lunch and to do grocery shopping for tonight’s dinner with elliot and my mom. But, halfway through lunch, my mother left. Wth. I thought we were supposed to spend time together? And, she left to do those stuff. Why can’t she just give them up?

Anyways, while waiting for my dad to pick us up, there was this really hot and cute Caucasian guy; in this preppy, bookworm kind of way. Tonned and stuff. Plus, he rides a motorcycle and has dreamy emerald greens. How much hotter is that? Haha. ((: siglap centre just has it’s market value risen man. Haha.

Anyways,
Just a word of caution; to whom it may concern.
I can be the most manipulative, evil, conniving, deceitful little bitch that you will ever know. And, I will go to the extent to break you down.

And, I say this in the nicest possible way ever.
I’ve been pretending my whole life. What will make now so different or difficult?

love ya'll,

manda.

--he loves me, he really does. ((:

but, i feel guilty, cause, i can't reciprocate that same feeling.

i'm sorry.

i'm just not ready alrights?